struggles

How to put into words what I have been going through.  Very hard.   I am 36 years old.   I have an issue with loyalty/respect/trust.  From work to home.   I expect certain things.  Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of people.   I feel like if you love and care about something, you are loyal to it.  You go to bat and defend and care for whatever it is.  I have never in the course of my life dealt with such manipulative and dishonest people.   It is tough having to always watch what you say.  Not even be yourself because instead of everyone working together and blessing each other, its cut throat and for what?  I miss the good old days where lines are clear.  You know where you stand.  People don't use you for what you can do for them.  They love you for you and want you a part of their lives.  I have learned to add bricks to my wall.     There is no peace.  I want peace SOOO bad.   I know its out there.  Why do I struggle so much to find it.

The boys are coming back from the infamous summer in MI.  Lets just say that there is no peace there at all.   They have obviously fallen into the disrespectful selfish life style as well.  No matter how hard Kevin and I have tried. 

I dont know what the world has come too.   I struggle to find a happy place in it.    Everyone besides Kevin I am close to does not live here.  Makes for additional struggles.  I miss my family and my Mom more that you can imagine.  Sarah/Linda/Natasha/J.  All live far away.    Finding peace is my goal lately, but finding is at arms length.  

God has a plan.  I just wish I could see it.